


Birds of a Feather

by YukakoYamagishi



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Extremely late birthday fic, Humor, M/M, well I thought it was funny anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 14:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7319083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YukakoYamagishi/pseuds/YukakoYamagishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya gets a parrot for his birthday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Birds of a Feather

Birthdays were never very important to Izaya. As far as he was concerned, he was forever 21, so he never really payed attention to the date he was born, and nobody else ever really took the opportunity to remind him of the date either, save for the small influx of extra hate mail he usually received the week of his birth. And that one time. With the stabbing. All in all though Izaya's continued existence was always met with a general lack of enthusiasm, and so, it was with great surprise that Izaya received a birthday gift (that wasn't a knife shoved through his flesh) for once.

On the day of his birthday, the doorbell rang. Its angry buzz dug right into Izaya's skull, forcing him to crack open his red (referring to their bloodshot state) eyes to glare at the clock. It was 3:59 AM. In a blink of his red (referring to the color of his corneas) eyes the gently glowing green digits switched from 3:59 AM to 4:00 AM and Izaya's alarm went off.

"NICO NICO NII~!!" The clock screeched and for one millionth of a second, Izaya regretted every decision he had ever made. But, in his usual fashion, that didn't last long, and Izaya yawned and grinned sleepily as he slammed his alarm clock into the wall. It smashed into a million pieces accompanied by Nico's garbled, electronic last words. And the doorbell was still buzzing. Now that certainly was interesting. Who could it possibly be? And what intimidation techniques could they be attempting to apply by arriving at this hour? And what kind of weapons might they have to back up said intimidation? These questions echoed through his mind like the now-ceased doorbell buzzing as Izaya flicked open one of his many knives and approached the door.

Izaya bounced on the balls of his feet to reach the icy metal peephole and, on the occasion there was an exploding package on the other side, so he could leap away at a moment's notice. He peered through the hole, curiosity and anticipation prickling his skin and standing all his hair on end. Who is it? Who is it? Izaya's eyes widened as the fish eye lens came into focus.

Nobody was outside.

Or rather, no _human_ body. Sitting outside Izaya's apartment door was a large, ornate golden cage and inside was a beautiful tropical bird, a parrot to be precise. Izaya gasped and clapped his hands together in delight. Just how did someone sneak that past the doorman? Izaya twirled away from the door, removed his coat from the rack, and slipped it on in one smooth motion. His interest was piqued and he intended to take a closer look.

As Izaya opened his flat door, the first thing he did was glance down the hallway to see if the sender was still lingering somewhere. As his, the elevator, and the stairs were the only doors on this floor, he was certain that whoever had accomplished this had already fled before he got to the door. He noted that the elevator was all the way down on the ground floor already, leaving the most likely escape route to be the stairs. He held his finger up to the caged bird in a quick "hold on one moment" gesture and dashed over to the stairwell and slipped silently through the door. He peered down the descending flights and their repetitive and almost hypnotic pattern. Not a soul to be seen. He held his breath. Nothing. You could hear a suitcase drop as it whistled through the air and hit the ground floor. Not that that was incredibly difficult to hear. Izaya would know. He turned away. The sender was nowhere in sight, and it would take a lot for Izaya to go gallivanting about after them in his pajamas. No, he had something else he need to do. Now was the time to investigate his interesting gift.

When he returned to the hallway, the bird was still sitting in its cage right where Izaya left it. It watched him approach with no signs of concern. Hmm... So this bird was used to humans. He inspected the cage and the stand it was on thoroughly. There was nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever. He tapped his finger against his cheek in contemplation. It was most perplexing, Izaya was expecting this to be a Trojan Horse of course. But he had already looked it over, and there was no way he could be wrong. With that, Izaya slipped his pocket knife back into his pocket and pushed the bird inside.

Izaya leaned an arm on the stand and held his face as he peered at the avian. It really was beautiful. Its plumage shown brilliantly like a jewel and the colors were bright and almost fantastical, like something out of an illuminated manuscript. The majority of it was a crimson color, but its wings were tipped with green and blue and its face was striped with white and black. Paired with the gold cage it really was striking. Izaya sighed.

"How did you get here?" He breathed out, mostly for his own benefit. Then his face lit up with a grin. If it was stumping Izaya and his brain that worked a million miles per hour, someone must have really expended a lot of effort to get this bird here. To think that one of his humans would do all this scheming just for him. He giggled and let himself daydream about it for a second. Then he stopped. What if it wasn't a human at all that did this? What if it was another being, something like Celty? Oh, that would be interesting. But what if it was another sort of monster... Like Shizu-chan???

No, of course not. A protozoan like Shizu-chan could never have come up with something so clever. But only Shizu-chan consistently stumped Izaya... Ew no. It really was impossible, and Izaya had no idea what brought Shizu-chan to mind so early in the morning. And when he was feeling so ecstatic about this mystery too... It was just like Shizu-chan to ruin Izaya's fun wasn't it? The horrible beast. Maybe Izaya would go out and mess with him later on today. He could pop up while Shizu-chan was taking his pudding break or something and incite him into throwing his most precious dessert. Izaya chuckled to himself. Or he could dump the pudding on Shizu-chan himself! He could see the buffoon's face now, turning cherry red and dripping with sticky vanilla pudding...

Suddenly, the bright red bird squawked from within its gilded cage, startling Izaya to reach within his coat for his knife.

"Talk to me I'm Polly! Talk to me!!" The bird intoned in an almost adorable little voice. If it weren't so painfully inhuman, Izaya would definitely consider it cute. And it was certainly friendly. He dropped his knife back into his pocket, it was just an animal after all.

"Well Polly, it's nice to meet you, but who sent you?" Izaya asked, though he figured it was unlikely he would get an answer.

"Talk to me!!! Polly!!!!!" Polly screeched gleefully and bobbed its head up and down. Izaya sighed. Well it wasn't like he was expecting much information from questioning a parrot anyways. Really, it's not like interrogating a parrot had ever solved any mysteries. He shook his head and decided there were better ways to investigate who sent him this strange birthday gift. He should be able to find something on parrot sales through his information network. But first... Izaya's eyes glinted with mischief.

"Since you're here, let's put you to work, right Polly? I have the perfect job for you!" Izaya reached into the cage and held his arm out. Polly very quickly and happily hopped onto Izaya's overcoat-covered arm and bobbed its head excitedly. Izaya gently stroked Polly's fluffy little head.

"Today I'll teach you the most important skill for a worker in this office to have, Polly. Today we learn how to ruin Shizu-chan's life." It was a relatively tame plan, but Izaya figured it would at the very least be a good prank if Shizuo thought even the birds hated him. After all, if even the beasts of the world hated a beast like him who would he have left? Izaya smiled and cooed at Polly who was bobbing excitedly again. "Do you want to ruin Shizu-chan's life, Polly?"

Polly flapped its wings and squawked "Me Polly!!" Izaya couldn't help but laugh quietly at the bird's enthusiasm. If only the other residents of Ikebukuro were so compliant with Izaya's wishes.

"Fuck you, Shizu-chan!" Izaya said to the parrot, unable to contain his grin. He repeated it over and over as Polly made various noises and bobbed it's head. Izaya wondered if it was a little too obvious that it was him teaching the parrot to say these things, since he opted to call Shizuo by his nickname as opposed to his real name. But it was fine, after all, what was the point of Shizu-chan's day being ruined if it didn't have Izaya's signature on it? He pictured Shizu-chan's bewildered face as he repeated his words over and over for Polly. Izaya's train of thought finally crashed when the bird was able to string Izaya's new phrase into a full sentence.

"Fuck me, Shizu-chan!" The bird squawked to the grinning raven haired man.

The smile fell from his lips and his eyes widened in shock for a second before Izaya regained his composure. It was just a dumb animal, it had no clue what it was saying there was no need for him to be alarmed. It's not like Polly was intentionally making fun of him or anything. He chuckled to himself, although the sound was definitely more than a little forced.

"No no, Polly, that makes it sound like I actually _like_ Shizu-chan. Say it like this 'Fuck YOU Shizu-chan!'"

Polly made a strange sound, almost like a chortle and then...

"I actually _like_ Shizu-chan!!" Polly bounced around on Izaya's arm, flapping its wings happily.

At this point, Izaya's eyes burst from their sockets and he hissed in agony. His hand twitched toward his knife but he got a hold of himself. There was no way Izaya would let a dumb beast get the best of him!

"Polly!!" Izaya started but he grit his teeth. There was no point in yelling at a bird. Be calm, don't be ridiculous.

"There is absolutely no way in the world that I, Orihara Izaya, would like Shizu-chan! Nobody could be dumb enough to believe that. You'd have to be more obtuse than Shizu-chan himself!!" Despite his attempt at speaking civilly. To the bird. Izaya failed and his voice gradually increased in volume and pitch as he tried to explain himself. To a bird.

"There is absolutely nobody in the world that I, Orihara Izaya, like more than Shizu-chan himself!!"

Izaya's jaw dropped, and rather than maybe noticing that this parrot was stringing together complex sentences out of phrases it'd only heard once, he only stood there slowly growing red in shocked silence before spluttering out yet another attempted excuse. To a bird.

"No!!! No Polly!!! I love humans!!!! All humans!!!!! I love all of them more than Shizu-chan!!!!!!!!!" As Izaya grew more flustered, his fingers tangled into his messy black bedhead, forcing Polly to fly off his arm and perch on one of Izaya's expensive house plants.

"I love Shizu-chan more than all of the humans! Me! Orihara Izaya!!" Polly squawked with a flutter of its wings. It seemed to be getting antsy since Izaya was yelling at it so much, but Izaya was too preoccupied with his own state to notice.

In fact, he screeched and launched himself at the bird. And the bird took off.

Polly flapped about the room frantically squawking while Izaya leapt about chasing it.

"ME ME POLLY!!!! POLL LEE!! LEE!!" The poor parrot sang as it flew from corner to corner. Suddenly, it saw the perfect escape route. At the exact same time Izaya remembered he slept with the window open. Polly swooped from the air and towards the gaping window right as Izaya dived to close it. It was only by a hair's breadth but Polly made it first.

Polly flew free and Izaya struggled to open the window again, cursing all the while.

Finally he slammed the window open and leaned out, waving his arms all around in a stunt worthy of Jackass.

"Polly!! Come back! Please, I'm sorry!" He called out the window feebly as Polly flapped ever-farther from his reach.

Shit, what was he even thinking trying to negotiate with a bird? He needed to employ his own skills to catch that talkative little parrot before someone heard...

Izaya grabbed one of his many phones and launched himself out the window.

\---

 

If Celty had eyes she would not believe them. As it was, she could not believe whatever it was that granted her vision. Plummeting through the dawn sky was Orihara Izaya in a full set of bright yellow minion pajamas. His usual coat flared out behind him in a way that would look impressive and visually appealing in many circles if it wasn't immediately overshadowed by the sunlight glancing off the brightly colored minion print pants. Really. If Celty had eyes she would be rubbing them in disbelief.

And then there was the question of why he had jumped from the window of that skyscraper... It hit her in a panicked flash. Could Izaya be attempting to take his own life?! Is that why he was wearing those minion pajamas?! Had the minions made Izaya hate his beloved humans so much he decided death was the only escape?!

Celty scrambled into action, but instead of rushing to catch the falling informant with her shadowy powers like she had with other suicide jumpers, she fluttered her leather-clad (shadow-clad?) hands in alarm before jumping slightly to attention and lifting one finger up. This cartoony pantomime of an idea was followed by Celty quickly whipping out her phone and rapidly typing.

[5:12:43] Setton: Did anyone else just see what I saw with my eyes and ears and human head?! Orihara Izaya just jumped from a 69th-story window!!

[5:13:00] Mai: Onii-san?!

[5:13:02] Mai: ...

[5:14:07] Kyo: I believe what Mai means to say is that Izaya is like an older brother to all the troublemakers out there, which Mai clearly is lol we all know her history right?? Lol like that one time she posted that video with *** shoving ### into that *** and then everyone ### with their %%% and everything was covered in *** and ### and %%% so they all *** with the ### and th-

[5:14:09] Setton: ...

[5:14:16] Kyo: Oops character limit lol. Anyways why did Izaya onii-san jump? Has he hit the ground yet is he okay? Is his corpse splattered on the pavement? Ewww how gross I hope not.

[5:14:17] Mai: Is he dead?

[5:15:56] Setton: No... Not dead... He flipped around a bunch and now he's running along the rooftops like nothing happened. I wonder what he's up to up there? He seems to be chasing something

[5:16:20] Kyo: Chasing something?? Isn't that the opposite of what Izaya onii-san usually does? Isn't he usually running away from everything around him at rocket speed? IE running from yakuza, running from his problems, running from Shizuo, running from his fears

[5:16:23] Mai: Existential dread

[5:16:31] Kyo: Haha!!! ikr?!

[5:16:57] Setton: Hold on... I think I see what it is he's chasing. It's

[5:16:59] Setton: A BIRD?!!!!!!

[5:17:00] Kyo: A BIRD?!!!!!!

[5:17:00] Mai: A BIRD?!!!!!!

[5:17:08] Kyo: Why would Izaya-onii-san be chasing a bird of all things?? Doesn't he dislike animals? 

[5:17:08] Mai: Weird

[5:17:26] Setton: It certainly is strange, he must be up to something. I'm going to follow him.

[5:17:50] Mai: Same

[5:18:01] Kyo: Yeah, we're going to follow Izaya-onii-san too! If he's up to something with a bird it's got to be interesting lol

Celty slid her phone away as Shooter neighed impatiently and popped a wheelie. With a quick, reassuring pat to Shooter's sleek black back they were suddenly off at the speed of darkness.

Rather than attempting to keep following the graceful man twisting and tumbling through air in minion pajamas, Celty set her sights on the brightly colored bird. It was a race against the all-knowing informant of Shinjuku, and Celty was determined to win and stop him from causing mischief at all costs.

\---

 

“You can’t argue, diojona is the best ship in all of Jojo!! It’s got the most complex dynamic and both Dio and Jonathan are super sexy! Of course, jonadio also has its merits but—"

“No! No no no! You’re completely wrong Erika!!! Diojona is gross and way too twisted, it has absolutely nothing on the pure goodness of hotsteel! You can’t keep shipping enemi—“

“Enemies are meant to be shipped!! Don’t you know, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’?! Besides, Dio always says he wants Jonathan’s body! Don’t you think when he finally got it, he took advantage of all the spoils?” Erika wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and giggled. Walker huffed and crossed his arms over his chest in defeat.

Kadota sighed. You’d think he’d be used to this by now, but it was too early in the morning for such frantic chatter insinuating Dio got off just by merit of owning Jonathan’s body. _Really_ … diopucci was a much better and healthier ship which showed genuine growth in Dio’s character, diojona wasn’t all that great.

Kadota’s gaze turned out the window where he watched the sunlight slowly filter into the city’s many alleyways and side streets as it rose steadily higher into the sky. A city like Ikebukuro didn't really sleep, but in the morning it certainly came to life, and Kadota enjoyed watching that happen. He let his mind wander as he took in the familiar city sights. The endless chatter of Walker and Erika accompanied by the horrible screeching that was tone-deaf Togusa singing along with one of his Ruri CDs was familiar and comfortable to Kadota and he was slowly lulled into a sleep-like trance.

 

Until Togusa slammed on the breaks that is. Kadota jolted forward and jolted awake. Togusa was cursing loudly.

 

"Hey man what the fu--" Kadota opened his eyes and saw those kids, Mikado Ryuugamine and his creepy little friend scrambling to get up off the street. 

 

"Dude did you  _hit_ them?" 

 

"No! Of course not! I was just driving when those two idiots ran out into the street and that Mikado kid went and tripped over himself and took the other one down with him!" Togusa explained.

 

"Huh." Kadota grunted and turned to look out the window where the boys were already rushing away. He rolled it down while shaking his head. This was the dark souls of babysitting.

 

"Hey! You kids need to be more careful!! Where are you going in such a hurry anyways?" 

 

Mikado stopped in his tracks and his friend bumped into him. Kadota heard the boy mutter something like "c'mon senpai" but Mikado ignored him, opting instead to stare wide-eyed at Kadota. In what was clearly a moment of recognition, a sheepish smile spread over the kid's face and his hand rubbed at the back of his neck.

 

"Kadota-san! Hello! I --um... Sorry for being so reckless! I promise Aoba and I will be more careful!" Mikado's face was beet-red and Kadota almost felt bad for scolding him.

 

"No worries, just try to stay safe okay?" Beside him, Togusa nodded, while in the back Walker and Erika discussed the merits of nearly running over a cute girl with big boobs. Kadota was glad they weren't making any efforts to join the conversation. "So where are you headed in such a rush, Mikado?"

 

"Oh! I heard online that Orihara-san was up to something! Something like trying to kill a bird or something..." Kadota's eyebrows shot up so far they practically disappeared into his beanie. "I uh... figured that as a Dollar it was my duty to make sure nothing bad happened!" Mikado finished his sentence awkwardly and the other boy's, Aoba's, eyes rolled so hard they looked like they were going to fall out of their sockets.

 

"Senpai! Don't lie! We all know you just want to get in on the action, and if you do have any intention to stop Izaya it's only based on your obsession with being like the main character in a manga, and not on any actual sense of morality." 

 

Mikado shot a deadly glare at Aoba and Kadota chose to ignore the entire exchange. Kids these days. Kadota may only be all of 24, bitch, but seriously. Kids these days.

 

"Izaya... Is trying to kill a bird you said?" Kadota wouldn't really put it past Izaya but it really was puzzling. What the fuck could Izaya want with a bird?

 

"Yea.... Possibly... The reason isn't really clear but someone saw Orihara-san chasing a bird, and since it's him it probably has to do with one of his plots... But..."

 

"What the fuck could Izaya want with a bird?" Aoba finished, prompting Mikado to elbow him.

 

Kadota sighed. That was the eternal question wasn't it? And if Izaya was suddenly into animal cruelty as opposed to just human cruelty it was worrisome...

 

"Thanks for the info, guys, I'll keep an eye out!"

 

Mikado nodded in response, and with a quick goodbye he gestured towards Aoba and they ran off at full speed again. Kadota and Togusa shared a glance before Togusa looked up into the rear view mirror. Walker and Erika were chattering excitedly about this new development, particularly about the merits of a girl with big boobs who could turn into a bird. Kadota sighed again. Togusa began singing along to his CDs again and Kadota turned to roll up the window so he could spare the other residents of the city from hearing any of the other passengers in the van. Right as he was about to hit the button, Shizuo stalked past in his usual state of anger and Kadota thought he definitely knew the cause. He gestured to Togusa to hold off on driving away for another moment.

 

“Hey Shizuo! I know he pisses you off but remember it’s not worth it to kill him okay?” Kadota called out the window.

 

Shizuo looked up sharply, with eyes that could kill and a brow so knit in fury a grandma would insist you wear it to keep warm in winter. The expression melted from his face, with only the vaguest hint of irritation underneath, when he saw who was addressing him.

 

“Oh hey Kadota.” He looked puzzled as he processed what exactly Kadota had said to him. "What?"

 

"Y'know. Izaya." Kadota put his hands up like paws to demonstrate.

 

Shizuo's expression was once again like the deadliest of sweaters, but this time it was also an uncomfortable one. A scratchy one. "What about the flea?" Shizuo's voice was similarly scratchy.

 

"Apparently he's running around trying to kill a parrot or something. Isn't that what you were mad about?" 

 

Shizuo had the weirdest expression on his face, like he was so embarrassed he was about to vomit, before it morphed into the fury Kadota expected and suddenly remembered he was trying to calm. But it was too late.

 

"He WHAT?" Kadota winced as Shizuo loudly crumpled the book he was holding and dropped it to the ground, crushing it with his foot. Before Kadota could even attempt to answer Shizuo was speaking again, his voice impressively calm. "Have a good morning, you guys. I've got to go kill that piece of shit flea."

 

And then Shizuo was gone, running away with his nose in the air. Kadota watched as he skid to a precarious stop and dashed down an alleyway at break-neck speed. Kadota sighed. As he turned forward, movement on the ground caught his eye. It was the book Shizuo had dropped, the wrinkled pages fluttering in the wind. Kadota caught a glimpse of the bright yellow cover as it flipped up suddenly. ‘Dream Interpretation for Dummies’… Huh.

 

“Dude, can we please go to Denny’s now? I’m starving.” Togusa’s stomach growled loudly to punctuate his statement.

 

Kadota chuckled. “Yea man of course. Let’s go. I’m so ready to get Grand Slammed.”

 

Erika howled in the back seat.

   
\---  
 

Shizuo was having a bad day. Of course his problems had started long before today. It's just that today was much worse. Recently, Shizuo had been having  _dreams_. Really he'd prefer to call them nightmares, but he never woke up frightened or upset... maybe a little lonely... but overall he woke up… content… Until he finally woke up completely and then of course came the inevitable and absolute disgust. He just couldn’t believe… That he would—That he was… The fact was that, although if asked Shizuo would vehemently deny it, in the night, in Shizuo’s dreams, he was in love with Izaya.

 

He couldn’t help it really, because in his dreams Izaya talked to him like lovers do, and they did all the things only lovers do. They had certainly gotten raunchier lately, but what really affected Shizuo was the little things, the soft kisses, Izaya's brilliant honest smiles... He'd held Izaya's hand in his sleep last night, the slender fingers entwined in his own felt comfortable in a way he didn't even think was possible. In his dreams, Izaya's hands were cold, but holding them brought Shizuo such warmth... Dreaming you're in love is bad enough, waking up from a dream like that fills you with awful melancholy loneliness. But it's much worse to dream about someone so absolutely horrible and disgusting. 

 

Shizuo grit his teeth. That's right, the flea disgusted him, there was no way the dreams meant anything. It didn't matter who he dreamt of at night, when the night was gone he'd be alone. And that's what he wanted. Being alone in the mornings was infinitely preferable to waking up to a parasite. But... Last night's dream really bothered Shizuo. Dreaming about fucking your enemy was one thing, but dreaming about holding their gross sweaty flea hand??? So Shizuo decided to pick up some shitty book on dream interpretation to just tell him he was stressed or something so he could put all this behind him because it  **didn't**  mean anything and even if it did mean anything there's no way Izaya would ever like him ba--

 

But that didn't matter either because dream interpretation was  **bullshit**  and just a ploy to make money off of people.  _Especially_  that  **shitty**  book Shizuo bought this morning. It didn't make sense! And it definitely wasn't based on any real scientific research or empirical evidence. The stupid thing said he was dreaming about his hidden desires, as if he secretly  _wanted_  to date the shitty beansprout!! What the fuck was that?!! That just proved that science is a liar sometimes and all those stupid science bitches didn't know jack shit. There's no way that could be even remotely close to the truth, really dreams don't mean shit and they are completely random and unrelated to real life.

 

Suddenly, Shizuo slipped on a piece of garbage and fell flat on his ass. He roared in frustration. He didn't have time to be thinking about all this crap that didn't matter, he had a flea to kill, that'd definitely solve this problem once and for all. Though it wasn't a problem because dreams didn't matter so there was no problem to solve. Shizuo kicked at the banana peel at his feet and yelled again. And when he finally stopped he heard the weirdest fucking sound he'd ever heard. 

 

Above him there was frantic squawking, but it sounded like words... It sounded familiar... It sounded like... It hit Shizuo like a ton of bricks, and Shizuo scrambled to his feet, hitting the wall nearest him like a ton of Shizuo. And then he started to climb. And as he climbed he sang a climbing song that sounded something like this:

 

"I. Told. You. Not. To. Fucking. Call. Me.  **That.** "

   
\---

 

With that idiot bird flying around shouting "Shizu-chan! Shizu-chan!" Izaya really should have expected this. Actually he did expect this, Izaya was the most brilliant and talented informant in the world after all, but that didn't stop his panic when it finally happened. 

 

Izaya had run into plenty of interesting characters this morning, even the Black Rider seemed to be following him, but he had really been hoping that Shizu-chan had planned to sleep in that day, or maybe that he was taking a sick day, or maybe that he was having a nice breakfast at Denny's devouring stack after stack of their sweetest pancakes. But none of these were the case. 

 

What was the case was a thundering roar that sounded something like "I. Told. You. Not. To. Fucking. Call. Me.  **That.** " and subsequent crashes and thuds coming directly from the alleyway that horrible bird was currently flying straight towards.

 

"No, please, Polly, not that way!! Come here birdie, pretty birdie, awful idiot birdie!" Izaya knew his pleading was pointless, just as his previous pleading to "slow down", "get back here", and "stay still this is my last knife" went completely unheeded, so too did this. 

 

The bird was flying over the alleyway now, and Izaya could either double back and take a different route to avoid Shizu-chan, or jump straight over to the next building as fast as he could and hope Shizu-chan wasn't near the roof. The first option would definitely take longer and run the risk of losing track of Polly for good, but it was also definitely safer than the second one which ran the risk of death.

 

"I love!!" Polly squawked.

 

Izaya chose the second option.

 

He sprinted towards the edge and right as he launched himself over, a large hand reached up from the edge of the building to grab him. Izaya let out an undignified squeal and drew his legs closer to his torso as he flew through the air in order to avoid the outstretched hand of the beast. In doing so, however, he compromised his landing.

 

“Oh shit.” Izaya said as he realized he wasn’t going to make it. He hit the next roof hard, tumbling along the pavement. Izaya landed on his knees with his nose to the ground and his ass in the air, and worst of all the landing ripped a large gash straight through minion Bob’s mouth on Izaya’s knee. Blood poured from Izaya’s wound and down minion Bob’s nonexistent minion chin. Izaya cursed to himself and struggled to get up. He glanced behind him where Shizuo had managed to get on the roof of the building Izaya had previously been on. He was staring at Izaya with a bright red face in what Izaya assumed to be pure rage, and then he burst into action.

 

“Get the fuck back here you shitty flea!!” He shouted as he prepared to leap to the next building.

 

“Get back!!” Polly shouted in its tiny voice in response. Shizuo visibly hesitated because a parrot just talked back to him, and it was so fucking cute, and Izaya took the opportunity to get a head start. Polly, who was perched on an air conditioning unit near where Izaya fell, was startled into flight again as Izaya lurched forward.

 

“No wait!! Polly please!” Izaya said despite the fact he was relieved the bird was going to fly far away from the person he least wanted to hear what the chatterbox had to say.

 

Except that’s not what happened. The bird was flying back the way it came and straight towards Shizuo once again.

 

"Ugh! No!! Get the fuck back here you shitty bird!!" Izaya shouted in a panic.

 

"Don't call that poor bird shitty you shit!!" 

 

Izaya decided then that the best course of action to take was to scare Polly away, despite the fact he may lose track of the bird for good. And what better way to trigger the bird's flight instinct than an angry apex predator, a straight up monster, right in front of it?

 

"Shut up, Shizu-chan!! Hop off my dick for just this once!!"

 

Shizuo decided then that Izaya's actions would prove fatal.

 

Weird dreams be damned, the best way to solve Shizuo's problem was to annihilate it at the source.

 

Shizuo whirled around to find something to throw at the flea bastard. Unfortunately for him, the rooftop was as barren as Izaya's friends list. Instead he threw himself. In one fluid movement, he pivoted on one leg and launched himself off the roof and in Izaya's general direction with the other.

 

Mere seconds before, Izaya noted in dismay that Polly was still flying towards Shizuo, and not just towards Shizuo, but straight towards the back of Shizuo's head, its foul fowl talons outstretched and its fluttering wing beats slowing as it approached. That horrible bird was actually planning to land on him! Izaya had definitely felt in the dead of night when his thoughts wandered that Shizuo's hair looked soft and inviting and just begged to be touched and really anyone that saw him would feel that way, not just Izaya so really it wasn't his fault, and he wouldn't fault anyone that wanted to drag their fingers through it because that was just the natural reaction to a beast, to pet them, it wasn't just Izaya or anything at all. But really. A bird being bewitched by this same phenomenon was too much, even for Izaya's desperate reaching for some reason that didn't hold him accountable for his desires. There was no fucking reason for that bird to be landing on Shizuo's head other than the fact it seemed to exist solely to make Izaya miserable.

 

With a face twisted in a form of despair rarely seen outside of romantic paintings, Izaya flung himself off the edge of the building, regardless of his injured leg, in a last ditch effort to scare the bird away. And of course, with the luck he was having, what should Izaya see but Shizuo flying straight towards him? 

 

Izaya let out a startled laugh, Shizuo let out a confused roar, and the poor bird between them screeched one of the few phrases it knew from the happier times in its life, a time when it was not being yelled at and chased by a maniac. A time when it wasn't about to be crushed between two hunks of man meat.

 

"I love Shizu-chan!!" Polly screeched.

 

Everything froze. Or so it seemed. Yet everything was still moving at lightning speed as the bird somehow caught the updraft created by the rushing bodies of the two men. Polly managed to fly up and out of the way and Izaya's eyes met Shizuo's. The color drained from Izaya's face and apparently collected on Shizuo's cheeks if their redness was anything to go by. Oh God, this was it, Shizuo was definitely going to kill Izaya now. Though if Izaya was completely honest with himself, which he never was, being killed was among the least frightening reactions Shizuo could have to the declaration of the big-mouthed bird. At least it would be better than disgust and rejection.

 

Izaya snapped his eyes shut and prepared to embrace the end. And then the two men collided and Izaya found he was the one being embraced, Shizuo's strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him close. He was so warm. He smelled like cigarette smoke, and sweat, and something sugary sweet... Izaya's heart was thundering in his ears, even louder than the air rushing past, and the worst part was Izaya knew it had little to do with him falling and everything to do with Shizuo's arms around him. But why was he holding Izaya? Izaya could feel Shizuo trying to maneuver through the air, and position their bodies... Oh fuck, he was going to make sure Izaya hit the pavement first, killing him instantly. 

 

Despite definitely feeling mortified enough to die, Izaya's self preservation instincts kicked in upon coming to that conclusion. Eyes still squeezed shut, Izaya began to struggle in Shizuo's grip, but Shizuo held Izaya like he was a burly sportsman wrestling a crocodile and there was no chance of escape.

 

"Let me--!!" Not seconds after Izaya opened his mouth to speak they crashed to... The ground?? But the ground was soft and squishy and smelled like trash. 

 

Izaya's eyes flew open and he was laying on top of a cherry red Shizuo. His heart skipped a beat and he propped himself up and quickly looked away. Izaya noted with disgust that they were in a dumpster. That must be why he was feeling so sick.

 

Izaya nearly jumped out of his skin as Shizuo place his surprisingly soft hand on Izaya's cheek. Izaya's own hand flew to his face and he tried to remove Shizuo's, but Shizuo just gently pushed Izaya's head so his gaze met Shizuo's once again. His eyes were serious and Izaya had never been more afraid of Shizuo. He had to stop this.

 

"Get your--!"

 

"Was it true?" Shizuo suddenly said in a voice barely above a whisper.

 

"What??"

 

"Was what the bird said true, dammit?!"

 

"It's-- I uh! I-I..." 

 

Shizuo rolled his eyes and suddenly he moved his hand from the side of Izaya's face to the back of his head and then Shizuo's lips were crashing into Izaya's like two men crashing into each other at high speeds from separate rooftops. 

 

Izaya melted in Shizuo's arms. Shizuo's lips were soft and warm and he tasted like funny face pancakes from Denny's. Everything would be perfect if it weren't for the garbage surrounding them. Shizuo pulled away first.

 

"So is it true?" Shizuo smiled sheepishly up at Izaya.

 

"...if it is?" Izaya cleared his throat.

 

"It'd be good because I love you, Izaya." 

 

Tears pricked at Izaya's eyes yet he found himself grinning. He kissed Shizuo again.

 

Suddenly there was a small, bird-like, throat clearing sound from above them. Shizuo and Izaya pulled apart and looked up at Polly who was perched above them on a small ledge. The bird flapped its wings in apparent glee.

 

"I love you, Izaya!" Polly squawked. And then burst into a fiery feathery explosion, the blast momentarily blinding Izaya and Shizuo as they ducked deeper into the dumpster to avoid the shrapnel. Polly's remaining gears ground to a stop and its charred robot remains fell from its perch and into the dumpster with a sizzle.

 

"What the fuck?" Shizuo said as he quickly pulled Izaya to his chest and leapt out of the dumpster. The trash inside burst into flames.

 

Now it was Izaya's turn to redirect Shizuo's attention. His slender fingers wove themselves into Shizuo's silky hair and he forced Shizuo to look down at him where he was being carried bridal style in Shizuo's arms. Izaya's eyes glinted with mischief and a sly grin was plastered on his face.

 

"Never mind the exploding bird. Take me home and smash me you strong motherfucker." Izaya purred.

 

Shizuo decided that it was definitely too early to worry about exploding birds, but that it was an acceptable time to go home and give Izaya the best birthday present he would ever get. (His dick)

**Author's Note:**

> Uh... So this is a fic I wrote for Izaya's birthday. Now you may be thinking "you're over a month late!" But jokes on you I'm over 13 months late I started this last year. Because of this I'm not sure if it flows well. The writing I did in a plane over a year ago is definitely more serious than the ending at least.... hope you liked it anyway. Thanks so much for reading!!


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